SUBMISSION

So there I was, all set for a peaceful ride across the Pacific. I had just been to Hawaii for a business trip, but I didn’t do very much business, if you know what I mean. Those native girls sure do love a guy in a suit. Anyway, I was settling into my seat (an unexpected bump back to coach, but oh well) for a nice nap after the surprisingly good in-flight meal (linguine) when all of a sudden I heard some strange noises coming from the plane’s bathroom. The stewardesses seemed to think it was just a couple joining the “mile-high club,” but I didn’t think I’d ever heard anyone sound so frightened during…well, you know. Just as I started to turn away from the situation in the bathroom, all hell broke loose. Snakes start coming out of everywhere: the air ducts, people’s barf bags, even this one lady’s muumuu. These snakes were nasty, and a lot of them looked poisonous. Fortunately, FBI Agent Neville Flynn came down the stairs and said, “You’re moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.” I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said FRESH and it had dice in the mirror. If anything, I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought, Nah, forget it, “Yo homes, to Bel-Air!” I pulled up to a house about seven or eight and I yelled to the cabbie, “Yo homes, smell ya later!” Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there; sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.

SUBMISSION

Well, I would try to recall all of the methoods used in the ultimate training video which I have dedicated the last year of my life to. I would arrange and list all of the possible weapons that will surely be on a plane.

First, I’d use a lunch tray.
Then a taser.
Next a clipboard.
After that, a flametorch.
Followed by a hawiian sling.
Then a 9mm gun.
(all of which can safely be used on a plane)

As you can see, I am fully prepared for that type of situation. I even have a cup handy for embarassing crotch-related deaths!

That’s right, I’m prepared.

SUBMISSION:
“Boarding Pacific Air 121 Hawaii to Los Angeles” we heard as we checked in our luggage. “Come on we are going to miss the flight” Harmoni said, as she grabbed Jakob by the hand. “You know they are never going to let you take that harpoon on the plane.” Why did you buy that thing anyway? When are you ever going to need a harpoon? “I replied,” I don’t know? It’s just a cool thing to have. You never know when you might need something like that.” We finished checking in and I was right they let me on the plane and checked in the harpoon with the luggage, but for some reason would not let us take our toothpaste and deodorant on the flight. We finished up and boarded the flight. Harmoni gets ill every time we fly because she says I flirt with the steward. The stewardess showed us to our seats. It was a guy. So, Harmoni calmed down a bit. We sat on the right of the plane. I wanted a window seat but Harmoni likes it so I gave in. After the flight took off I got up to go use the restroom and it was occupied. So I went back to my seat. I walked by a stewardess on my way back that saw me and she said that a guy and a girl went in. We both grinned at each other and I said, “Mile High Those were the days.” I don’t think me and Harmoni could both fit in there now much less have sex. I returned to my set and not much longer after that is when all hell broke loose. They were snakes all over the plane biting passengers snapping at us. One of the snakes jumped out at Jakob but then this officer “Neville Flynn” I think was his name came out of no where grabbed the snake and hit it with a stun gun. At one point we were all huddled in one area of the plane. We stacked up luggage but that didn’t help because one of the stewardess knocked it down to save a baby. She sacrificed her life. We then barely made it to the upstairs first class. We sealed it up with a life preserver. What happen n shortly was the most horrifying of all. Jakob turned to the Flynn and said “Mr. are you going to save us.” He looked down at Jakob for moment and then said “Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane! I’m going to open up some windows.” We got all anchored down to hold on for dear life when Flynn shot out all the windows. I held on to Jakob with all of my might and Harmoni held on to me. That was the scariest thing I have ever been through. I thought we were going to be sucked out of the plane. All of the snakes and everything that wasn’t bolted down got sucked off . One of the passengers that I later found out had never flown a plane in his life some how landed us safely. The rest of the survivors and us exited the plane and one of the snakes made it and tried to bite this guy (Sean) but Neville shot the snake. After everything calmed down Neville walked over to us and asked I want to know who brought the harpoon on the flight and I raised my hand. He said, “Thank you, It saved my life”. I looked at Harmoni and said “See I was right you never know when you might need a harpoon.” See just rolled her eyes. After Pacific Air 121 we will never fly again.

SUBMISSION

i glance out of my window only to find a thunder stroke nealy hit the plane my nerves are tingling the flight has an hour to go i keep thinking of people like buggy holly, john denver, lynrd skynrd oh the anxiety of flying oh how i wish i caught the train. i have momentary relapse of my last trip on a train all was peacefull till the rabid gerbils ran amok killing and feeding off everyone oh how horrid it was, suddenly the plane veers to the left.i sit up straight and glance at the brandy in my cold pale shaky hands “thank god for airport security at least i wont have any rabid gerbils to fight off” then i hear a scream ” aggggghhhhh giant fucking rabid snakes on the mother fucking plane” i turn to look but the voice had caught up with me, it was david fucking hasselhoff. “fuck me it’s david hasselhoff” i said. “give me the brandy kid” said the hoff. “here you go, do you have a plan, is there anything i can help with?”i said. then the hoff guzzled down every drop of my brandy, it was then i noticed the snake staring at me and the hoff.”no time for a plan, kid” said the hoff as he grabbed at my belt i said “it’s ok hoff i can make it myself”. it was then that the hoff looked into my eyes and said “sorry kid, the snakes are hungry and i gotta drink” it was then the hoff picked me up and tossed me towards the venomous rabid snake, mid air i noticed several more waiting to pounce on me. “fucking david hasselhoff” i said as i landed with a loud thud and the snakes attacked me biting and tearing at my flesh once the attack was over i started to go into a venom induced coma, my last sight was the hoff going into the drinks trollel only to discover a “mutherfucking snake” the hoff then get’s a snake down is throat.

think that was maybe a bit too long but hope it was good enough

ps i live in scotland so would have to have it posted to me if i where to be lucky enough to win this fabulous competition

This is slightly over 500 words. Apologies in advance.

SUBMISSION—

Home. I couldn’t wait to get home.

It had been only two weeks since I left behind my mundane life for vacation in Hawaii. Two weeks since I arrived in paradise. Two weeks since I met the girl of my dreams. It was safe to say, I was coming home a different person, no, a better person. All in only two weeks.

As I boarded Pacific Air Flight 121, a wave of overwhelming emotions hit me; much like a bucket of ice water to a sleeping drunkard’s face. Anticipation, nostalgia. I was taken aback to the point of bracing myself against the entrance door of the plane.

“Are you okay?” the gentle-eyed flight attendant asked.

“Yes.” I replied. “Just need to find my seat.”

She led me by the hand down the aisle to my window seat in coach. Claire - her name badge read - seemed to have genuine empathy for me. I thanked her for her kindness.

“It’s just part of my job.” she said with a wink.

As I settled in for the flight to Los Angeles, I closed my eyes and began to reminisce…

I met Jen my second night in town at Surf’s Up, a local gin joint right on the north beach. I was content to sip my cocktail and watch the waves gently crash all night, but when she arrived, I knew I had to talk to her. Beautiful and intriguing, Jen spent most of her time on the beach. Sand littered her bleach-blonde hair and her skin bore the golden color of a truly outdoorsy girl. Perfect in every way, I walked over to her and introduced myself.

My eyes snapped open. The plane must have hit an air pocket, as it had bounced around severely enough for people to look concerned. Somewhere, a baby began to cry.

“Oh my fucking god!” someone exclaimed in panic.

I clinched the armrests of my seat tightly. Relax, it’s just turbulence, I told myself. Some part of me, maybe some evolutionary instinctual hold-over, knew better. The plane shook once again. Towards the back of the plane, more people began to scream.

“S-s-s-snaaakes!” a female voice proclaimed, both in disbelief and fright.

Snakes? On a plane? That’s just nonsense. I slowly turned to peek over my seat. What I saw was hard to grasp; I must have looked like the Victrola dog, confused by the phonograph. Passengers were out of their seats and jumping around. I saw a snake latched onto an obese woman’s throat.

Of all the thoughts running through my head, I managed to vocalize just one. “Snakes” I stated in a matter-of-fact tone. I stood up with the intent of being a hero for once in my life. Before I could take one step, my ankle erupted in burning pain. I looked down to see a snake attached to my right leg. Rage filled my mind. I raised my left leg and stomped its head twice as it disconnected from my person.

Burning. Pain. I just need to sit down for a minute. Just catch my breath, then I can be a hero. My eyes rolled back in my head. I thought of Jen again. Beautiful Jen, my dream girl, who I was too afraid to talk to; who I let get away. I blew my chance, and now I’m on a plane filled with snakes.

“Motherfucker” I muttered as I slipped into unconsciousness.

Darkness. The end of it all.

SUBMISSION.

Uh, clearly… I motherfuckin’ die.

I deserved it and I burn in hell.

Crap, forgot “SUBMISSION.”

SUBMISSION

I was nearly sleeping on that fateful flight, and looking back on it, I probably should have gone the extra mile. Sleeping would have made the whole ordeal easier.

I remember all too clearly the moment everything went wrong. My mp3 player was lightly playing some rock music, and the window next to my seat showed only darkness over the black ocean. As my eyes drooped, I swore I could feel something brushing against my legs… but that didn’t matter, because immediately after, the plane violently rocked. The bodies of the passengers on Pacific Air Flight 121 were thrown like rag dolls, which helped to confuse us once the real terror hit.

We looked up bewildered to see that the pilot had dropped oxygen masks… but something was wrong. I looked above me, and in my stupor I finally realized what it was.

It was a snake.

The fight or flight response is an amazing thing. As soon as I realized what was waving above me like a living noose, adrenaline pumped through my veins and I was up like a rocket, escaping my death.

I did not know that I was just postponing it.

After leaving the seats, I stopped to take in the situation around me. There were confused people still shocked by the unexpected movement of the plane. Some people were screaming and rushing around. Others were moaning in pain. Everywhere, there were snakes.

“Oh God,” was all I could say as I traversed my way through the commotion, carefully avoiding panicking people and snakes. Sometimes words just fail you. I must not have been wandering even for a few minutes, and I was probably dashing as fast as I could. It’s hard to remember.

As I moved through the plane, I saw that the surviving passengers had a plan. They were moving to a section of the plane that the snakes had not penetrated, and would construct a barrier to hold the serpents at bay. We rushed our way to the door that led to salvation, even if it only lasted for a moment.

I almost made it there.

Perhaps the thought of safety helped clear up my mind. In any case, as I was carefully but quickly dashing from the slithering creatures, It had occurred to me that I was someone else outside of this flying hell. I remembered that I was a doctor. I was a doctor surrounded by sick and dying people.

The thought that people who had safely made it across the barrier would need help never crossed my mind. All I could do was stop moving. I stood in stricken silence, gazing around me. My doctor’s sense of duty overrode my body’s frantic signals to get the hell out and Compassion won out.

The snake that bit me did not come at me from the floor. The thing dropped from the ceiling and landed on my neck, on top of a colorful lei that I forgot I was wearing.

SUBMISSION…god thats embarassing

After a great week in Hawaii, it was time for me to leave. As I boarded my flight, Pacific Air Flight 121, I got an eerie feeling that something was going to happen. Then again I am terrified of flying so I just passed it off as just a routine fear. The plane lifts off and we begin our trip back home. I notice that there is a black man, who looked like Sam Jackson by the way, walking around suspiciously as if he were looking for someone or something on the plane. As I watched him, screams sounded from the bathroom and the door begins to bang violently. This is when I started to get nervous and sweat profusely. All of a sudden, the oxygen masks fall from the ceiling so naturally I begin to put it on. As I reached for it I realized it wasn’t an oxygen mask, but a water hose! I laugh for a second, but then I realize that it wasn’t a water hose either. It was a snake! Using my quick reflexes that I learned from my ten years in martial arts, I grab the snake and judo chop its head off. I lunge out of my seat and view the situation at a whole. Snakes are falling out of the ceiling, the walls, coming up from the floorboards and are attacking the helpless people throughout the plane! I make up my mind quickly and look for the black man that I saw earlier. I find him with a light saber in hand slashing and cutting up snakes left and right. I see that he has another light saber on his belt, so I tell him to toss it to me. He does and I turn it on and begin slaying the slithering serpents with ease. I realize that the reason that I am so comfortable with it was because of the countless hours I had spent playing sword fighting games on my Nintendo Wii but quickly get back to the situation at hand. After a few minutes the snakes were all dead and I turn to thank the black man. I realize that it wasn’t Samuel L. Jackson, not even a man! It was a giant snake! So I turn the light saber back on and get ready to swing. But before I laid down the final blow, I saw that it was actually a snake eating my fellow comrade! So I made a precise slice which made the snake burst open and splatter blood all over the walls. The man fell out, covered in snake blood and entrails, and slowly rose to his feet. Together we helped the rest of the people on the plane and eventually landed it too. As everyone left the plane, I stopped the black man and asked him what his name was. He said, “My name? How the fuck do you not know my name?! I’m mutha fuckin Bob Ross!” “Oh”, I said, “how inconvenient.”

The first thing that went racing through my head as that cobra lunged at me was - here it goes again. After all, why should I be surprised? This entire vacation has been hell up to this point, could I really expect it to get any better? When most people think of Hawaii they think fun in the sun, or maybe a little R. and R., well not on this trip. First the travel agency screws me into paying double for third rate hotel, whatever. Then it rains all week, no fun on the beach, whatever. But things start to look up on the last day, the sky clears, it stops raining, time for some good outdoor fun, right? think again. Some D.A. gets beaten to a pulp about a quarter mile away from the beach, and I get to spend all day talking with the police. After 6 hours talking to CHiPs, I miss the damn flight. So after an hour arguing with a woman at the airport, they agree to bump me to a flight in the middle of the night, they even offered me first class at a discount, awesome, at least the flight home will be relaxing. Well it would have been, if the F.B.I. hadn’t forced me into coach, or not being allowed bring my red bull (damn terrorist’s and their liquid bans). I cant even go to the bathroom, due to the idiots joining the mile-high club. After this past week, I’ve learned something, and the fangs sinking into my jugular have only reaffirmed it- Life’s a bitch. Oh well, whaddtagonnado?

SUBMISSION

SUBMISSION

: Excerpt from the novel “I survived Flight 121″ by Matt Barr

I was waiting to use the bathroom and couldn’t believe the homosexual flight attendant and the stewardess, whom reminded of an actress from the movie “Kingpin”, were joking about the sexual “goings on” in the lavatory. Why weren’t they stopping it so I could release my bladder?  They didn’t stop it.  I returned to my seat. I sat down, grabbed my seat belt, stretched it across my lap, and…IT WAS A M.F. SNAKE!

I screamed like a girl, urinated in my pants, and threw the snake to my left (I apologize to the family of the child it landed on…I’m sure she would’ve done great things in life). Looking back I wish I could say I acted chivalrously, but hindsight is 20/20. To my defense, I must blame adrenaline and/or “survival of the fittest”, because I helped NO ONE, and my conscience will never let me forget it.

From the time I began crawling over seats, to the time I arrived in the front cabin, I don’t remember much. What I do remember, I am trying to repress.

I didn’t start crying until I reached the front cabin…and I honestly can’t say if I’ve stopped ever since. However, I know every tear shed on that flight, and every tear after, rain down upon my cheek with solemn gratitude towards a black man with a bald head.

I don’t remember his name…but I feel his strength to this very day and carry it with me wherever I go. “I think you are a lot stronger than you realize,” he said “You know, I spend every day dealing with people who do terrible things to one another an it wears away my faith in the human race. But I have faith in YOU.”

Yes I have his strength, but I still have my memory too…

“Your memory is a monster; you forget—it doesn’t. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you—and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you!”

SUBMISSION

Now my story is an odd one to tell but I cannot complain.
For this is the story of Snakes on a Muthafuckin’ Plane.
This all began on a little island in the middle of the Pacific.
With a Man named Eddie and an FBI Agent who was terrific.
Yes I know my rhyming sucks, but that’s not the point.
Cuz I’m trapped on a plane with that kid from Good Burger, and some chick from Species 3.
The Snakes bit a chick on the tit.
Another bit a guy’s dick.
Personally I ran for the nearest kid cuz face it they never die.
Then the Cobra bit him on the arm so I screamed “fuck ‘dat”
I jumped up the step as quickly as I could.
Just as that prick threw the Taco Bell dog at the Python.
We all huddled together on the 2nd floor, but that didn’t stop them snakes from eating ol’ Champ Kind.
…..Whammy
That’s when Shaft got pissed and gave the Snakes the shaft.
He shot out a window and sucked out the Snakes of which the big python thought “Oh no, not again” ofcourse if we understood why the python thought that, then we’d know a whole lot more about the Universe.
Then that kid from Good Burger landed our plane, he passed the test.
Now that I’m rhyming again, I think I’ll take SouthWest.

In before Bel-Air…….dammit.
…Oh what the hell…
I pulled up to a house about seven or eight and I yelled to the cabbie, “Yo homes, smell ya later!” Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there; sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.

See, Brian, it’s just like I told you before–look at these friggin’ people. I’ll be lucky if I get in the Top 10. I tell ya, I don’t DO creative writing–I’m an essayist! By the way, do you get extra points for working “M-F’er” into the story? ;-)

Oh well, here’s my humble entry.

“It was a dark and stormy night…”

Oops. Sorry, that happens later. Take 2:

OFFICIAL SUBMISSION BELOW (slightly over limit, but believe me, I edited the HECK outta this thing)

My daughter and I plopped into our seats, thankful to finally be off our feet. We had just made it onto this last flight back from Hawaii, after getting the call about Mom being raced to the hospital in the middle of the night with chest pains. What a way to end a vacation. I just hoped we’d get home before it was too late.

I tried to comfort my daughter as best I could—she’s 16, and she knew something was wrong. “Grandma’s gonna be OK, you’ll see,” I lied. “She’s a tough old bird—that’s where we get it from.” She smiled wearily at me. She didn’t buy it either.

Across the aisle were two little boys who seemed quite anxious. My daughter noticed their tags, “UM—Unaccompanied Minors”. They must have reminded her of the children she babysat after school, because she asked if she could go over and share her GameBoy with them. I said absolutely, and they seemed as grateful for her company as she was for the distraction.

I reached into my totebag for a magazine when I felt something slide past my wrist. I jerked my hand back, startled, and peered under my seat as best I could. Nope, nothing there. Must be feeling things. I got the magazine and started flipping the pages when I felt the slithery feeling again, this time past my ankle. I yanked my feet up quickly and struck the underside of the seat in front of me. The cranky old British guy parked there began grousing about “bloody Americans” and glared at me.

“Sorry,” I mumbled, and tried to look down the aisle. Something caught my eye moving along the floor, but before I could summon a stewardess, the plane started shaking and bouncing around. The pilot said we were experiencing turbulence, and we should all remain in our seats. I sat back and buckled up, yelling at my daughter to buckle as well. She buckled the two boys first before securing herself.

Suddenly, the overhead compartments popped open, dumping out their contents—as well as several HUNDRED snakes! Hanging from the ceiling, racing across the floor—and mad, striking and biting anyone they could reach. People were screaming, running, stepping on each other to escape. As I stood to look for my daughter, the British guy flung me across the aisle onto the seat she should have been in.

They were gone. I shrieked her name and whirled around—they had taken refuge against the window, and my daughter was trying to protect the boys. Before I could reach them, a snake struck her in the ankle. My scream harmonized with hers as I dashed across the plane and smashed the snake’s head into the floor with my heel. But it was too late. Her skin was already getting cold as I held her.

A strong-looking Asian man came by to help. I told the boys to go with him—I wasn’t leaving my daughter, especially not now. Thankfully, the man was able to carry both boys to safety.

“Mom, I’m scared,” my daughter said. “Don’t be, honey,” I told her, looking over her at the approaching wave of scales and teeth. “Don’t be scared. You’re going to see Grandma again real soon. And I’ll be right behind you.”

Great. Lucky 13th entry. Oh well. Let’s hope Santa believes in the 12 Days of Christmas, so I can get my DVD when it comes to a mall near me! ;-)

SUBMISSION

Pacific Air Flight 121 takes flight and I settle into my seat, not giving much thought to my fellow passengers, much less the world outside the plane. I try not to concern myself with the Federal agent and the fact that first class has been closed off for the flight—it doesn’t affect me, I’m flying coach, anyway.
Trying to put any thoughts out of my head, I drift to sleep, hoping I’ll wake up, the flight will be over, and I’ll be in LA.
Instead, I wake up to the sounds of screams. From the slightly comprehendible screams, I figure out that, somehow, snakes are loose on the plane. My mind doesn’t even try to figure out the “how” or the “why” of the situation; all I know is there are snakes, there’s me, and I’ll probably make it through the flight. I pull my feet up so the snakes don’t get a free bite of me before I’m done assessing the situation.

My overwhelming bravado gives way to terror—I’ll probably make it through the flight? Am I kidding myself? I don’t know thing one about crisis management and…snakes on a plane? Is there even a security scenario for that? While I’m worrying myself into a panic, I let my feet touch the floor of the cabin in an attempt to calm myself.

Unfortunately for me, my forgetting my own surroundings means I’m quickly the victim of a well-placed snakebite. My eyes go wide with panic as the venom enters my blood stream. I can’t even think of anything relatively sane to do, like ask someone for help. My panic increases as I realize I’m a stranger in a sea of strangers—no one knows me, no one’s going to be able to help.

I’m going to die here.

Ha, I set the word count too high, it’s going to take me some time to read all these. I’m going to have a long weekend.

SUBMISSION

I felt the burning poison coursing through my veins. I had not experienced a sensation of this magnitude in my entire life, which had now been cut short. The blood that should have been pumping throughout my body began to slow as I rasped my last breath. My now-disembodied soul looked down at the corpse, sprawled in a puddle of mud just outside the 400,000 ton monstrosity where, joined as one, they had met the beginning of the end of life.

Just under an hour ago, I had been enjoying a relaxing, albeit a tad bumpy, ride on Pacific Air Flight 121. Owing to the fact that the Hawaiian sun had tired me out, I was attempting to take a quick cat nap. Unfortunately, a rather obnoxious “artist”, clearly full of himself, was causing a ruckus about some germ-infested thing or another. Add to that equation a yappy dog, a ditzy blonde, two whining kids (‘Oh, those were the germ-infested things’, I thought), and a strange, slightly erotic noise coming from the bathroom a few seats ahead of me, and I realized that my nap would have to take a backseat to the action.

The plane lurched without warning, and for some unexplained reason, the oxygen masks cascaded down from their hiding places. I looked at the mask in front of me with little comprehension. ‘Oxygen masks?’ I thought. ‘What on earth…?’ I continued to stare at the mask, barely registering the screams that were now bouncing off the cabin walls. Shaking my head, I came out of my reverie and realized that the large woman sitting next to me had turned a light shade of purple. Only then did I notice the venom spouting forth from her vividly violet lips. Wait a minute… Venom?!

I never had a chance. Not a split second later, the offending owner of the poison decided to inflict its pain on my vulnerable neck. However, this beast was not satisfied, and made sure to snap at me several more times, each wound more deeply poisoned than the last.

But I would not be bested. Reeling from the pain, I staggered forward and bit into the seat in front of me to stifle my scream. At the same time, the fiend made to strike again, but I was too fast for it. The plasticware provided on airplanes is useless for cutting food, but slicing was the last thing on my mind as I lodged my spork into the roof of my rival’s mouth. Taking my window of opportunity, I attempted to run unsteadily to the back of the cabin, only to find that my opponent’s defeat was of little to no consequence. Its… ‘friends’… They were everywhere.

I lost consciousness for the rest of the flight. Somehow the plane eventually touched down, and, taken for dead, I was thrown unceremoniously into the pile of victims. Those damnable snakes… On a plane… A perfect, intricate plan.

SUBMISSION
I just woke up and heard a terrible hiss, behind me was a large thick snake!
i froze for a moment and it suddenly hit me - “I am on a plane”
- there are no snakes on board..??
The passenger next me start yelling i was still quiet but not for long. The plane starts shaking and it felt like some torbilance is a head .
i was nevr so scared in my life , all my senses were at highest tension it could bare.
the snake attacked me i felt his teeth missing my chest because of the pocket pc i had there.
one second later i was up runing tward the entrance but snake are filling the place
is this is hell???

SUBMISSION (489 Words):

I am tired – bone-tired. This trip hadn’t gone like I’d planned and my future wasn’t looking so bright. This time yesterday I was looking forward to going home, but after the voicemail I got last night… well, now I’m not so sure what I’ll find there. If my key still works in the lock I’ll take it as a good sign.

I stow my carry-on bag in the overhead compartment and sit down. I don’t like aisle seats, I like windows seats even less, and just thinking about the idea of sitting in-between two other people makes me claustrophobic. The fellow in the brown leather jacket by the window is already asleep, by the look of his fedora pulled low over his face. I’m jealous, as I know I’ll never be able to get to sleep, even as tired as I am. After all this time, I am still hyper-aware of every noise and movement, sure that every one signals the plane’s doom, and there’s no way to shut my brain off and fall asleep. It’s days like today that I seriously consider taking up drinking.

I’m halfway done with my crossword puzzle when there’s some sort of commotion up by the bathroom. We’ve been in the air for a while, so I figure it’s just someone feeling cooped up and needing to vent a little. Then I notice the lady on the other side of the plane slumped over in a weird-enough way to suggest she isn’t sleeping. I’m about to call for a flight attendant, when the lights go out. I’ve got an LED flashlight in my bag, so I stand up to get it.

When I open the overhead compartment, something falls on my shoulder. I figure it’s a strap to someone’s bag, so I pick it up to put it back in the compartment. It’s right about the time the end of the strap is on eye level that I realize it’s no strap. Staring me in the face is a green mamba, today’s answer to 32 Down. I’m surprised enough to be seeing a snake on a plane that when it hisses and strikes, I barely have time to dodge and it’s not enough. I feel the fangs sink into my ear. And then again into my cheek. And then my neck.

I fall into my seat, stunned that this is happening and no one seems to notice. I can’t speak, and I’m flailing my arms around like an amateur semaphorist, and in the process I smack my sleeping seatmate fairly soundly. He comes to with a “Hey, buddy…,” sees the snake attached to my neck and scrambles to flatten himself against the window.

“Why snakes? Why did it have to be snakes? Anything else,” he says.

He reaches under his jacket to get something, and I have just enough time to wonder how he got that bullwhip through security before everything goes black.

SUBMISSION
I consider which will be my boots and which will be my luggage as I unbuckle my seatbelt with a sigh and prepare to get my hands dirty.

(edited to remove commas)

bonus SUBMISSION
(I know, only one to a person - this one doesn’t count, it’s just for the hell of it. Kind of an expansion on the one above, for fun)

I roll my eyes.
“Not again,” I sigh. “All right, bring it on, whatever” I say wearily as I get up from my seat.
An hour later, the cabin is littered with snake bits and pieces, and what’s left of the passengers and crew are hugging each other. The captain limps up to me. “Thank you so much! I don’t know how we would have survived without you!”
“Yeah, yeah” I reply, “how about an upgrade to first class? I’m tired of these motherf’ing seats on this motherf’ing plane!”
Turns out there’s plenty of room (now), and I put my feet up as I eat my extra sack of nuts.

*SUBMISSION*

My name is Daisuke Matsuzaka and in a few hours, I would be richer then my wildest dreams. All I had to do was get to LA and sign with the Boston Red Sox. How hard could that be?
I think Mr. Borus could tell how excited I was. “Get some rest kid. If you keep fidgeting at that pace, your arm will be too tired to sign the contract.” …

… I awoke several hours later in a daze. The cabin was pitch black.
I looked at Mr. Borus for some comprehension on what had taken place. Then, I realized that Mr. Borus was not responding. I hit him to get his attention but was shocked to see why he was not responding. A python has rapped its way around his neck!

“Hikouki ni iru Hebi-tachi!!!!”

Shock set in and I jumped over Mr. Borus’s corpse. Thousands of snakes had ascended into the cabin and were attacking anything that moved. As a stood in shock, a venomous coral snake lunged at me. With my kung-foo reflexes, I ducked, grabbed it by its throat, and squeezed until its eyes popped out.
Just then, I saw a bald black man calling everyone to the front of the plane. I grabbed two children hiding from the snakes and sprinted toward him. Everyone had begun to build a wall of all the junk they could find. I pitched in and as I was putting in the last bag, I saw a man make a last sprint for the front. Less then ten feet from us, two rattle snakes popped out of nowhere, getting him on his neck and eye. The blood splattered onto my fur jacket.
The group of us attempted to regroup after the initial attack. The black man who had called us to the front turned out to be Coco Crisp, my future teammate.
“Thank God I found you, Dice-K!” he shouted. “The Yankees put a box of overpaid snakes onto the plane to kill you and bring the whole plane down. They were set to attack when we reached the point of no return, but, like many Yankees signings, failed to do as George thought they would. We have to hold them off for 10 minutes while the pilot lands.”
We took our final stand against the snakes as they got through the wall, Coco with his bat and I with a bucket of balls. The great battle lasted until we finally landed with all the other passengers dead and just Coco and I standing against a 25-foot python. Coco went off on the snake, landing 20 straight shots to the ugly snakes head. The python seemed beat when it made once last gasp. I wound up and threw my Gyro ball down its throat, cutting through its neck. We had survived, but the Yankees, I swore, would not.

SUBMISSION- Forgot this the first time, oops

The first thing that went racing through my head as that cobra lunged at me was - here it goes again. After all, why should I be surprised? This entire vacation has been hell up to this point, could I really expect it to get any better? When most people think of Hawaii they think fun in the sun, or maybe a little R. and R., well not on this trip. First the travel agency screws me into paying double for third rate hotel, whatever. Then it rains all week, no fun on the beach, whatever. But things start to look up on the last day, the sky clears, it stops raining, time for some good outdoor fun, right? think again. Some D.A. gets beaten to a pulp about a quarter mile away from the beach, and I get to spend all day talking with the police. After 6 hours talking to CHiPs, I miss the damn flight. So after an hour arguing with a woman at the airport, they agree to bump me to a flight in the middle of the night, they even offered me first class at a discount, awesome, at least the flight home will be relaxing. Well it would have been, if the F.B.I. hadn’t forced me into coach, or not being allowed bring my red bull (damn terrorist’s and their liquid bans). I cant even go to the bathroom, due to the idiots joining the mile-high club. After this past week, I’ve learned something, and the fangs sinking into my jugular have only reaffirmed it- Life’s a bitch. Oh well, whadyagonnado?

“This is why I bought the damn first class ticket!” I said to myself as I listened to the annoying rattling of a babie’s toy a few rows over. All I wanted to do was sleep and I figured first class would be nice and quiet. What a first flight. “There is no way this could get any worse,” I said quietly but just loud enough that the passing flight attendent might stop and take pity on me or something. I wanted to get up and yell at everyone to shutup and let me sleep, but instead I just sat miserably and loathed everyone around me. Finally I gave up on sleeping and looked around, the plane was much quieter and I was at ease for the first time of the trip. I placed my hand on the arm rest and felt the arm of the fat chick next to me on my rest. I was a little pissed because she had her own arm rest and it was completely unnecessary for her to take mine to so I nudged her and felt her arm spill down into my lap. I sighed and looked down and was immediately met the biggest shock of my life. Before I could scream a long black and blue snake was biting my stomach. “Holy Shit!” I stood up and threw the snake off of me and looked back to scream at the rest of the passengers and realized that there was a lot more snakes on this plane! I ran and tripped over plenty of people including a girl that was frozen in fear and needed help. “Screw her,” it’s every man and woman for themselves! I continued to work my way to the front of the plane stepping on snakes, people, and luggage. Finally I fell hard and was met my two more snake bites. I felt the energy leaving my body due to the venom. I tried to struggle forward but my vision kept getting more blurred until finally I collapsed helpless and alone as I was trampled by panicked passengers making their ways to the front of the plane.
All of a sudden I felt my senses and energy return to me as I opened my eyes to the sound of rattling yet again. I screamed and looked around just to realize that I was in my seat and the rattling had come from that same babie’s toy. I was alive! A flight attendent came and asked me if I was ok. “A dream! It was just a dream! I’M GREAT!” The woman looked at me and told me should would get me a towel to wipe the sweat off of my face and a pillow so I could relax. “Relax… That sounds great.” I sunk down in my chair and started to rethink my attitude towards the coach passengers. “Wow,” I said. “That’s one of those dreams that can make you rethink your whole life! This could be a great new start for me!” I closed my eyes and felt something drop into my lap. “Thanks,” I said expecting a towel. I opened my eyes just to find that a cobra had dropped into my lap from the overhead compartment. The cobra bit me in the neck and I immidiately died.

SUBMISSION

I thought my flight to LA’d be relaxing
Just watch the kid or read or get some rest.
Alas, that Eddie Kim; he’s such a bastard,
Got snakes onboard. Well, this’ll be a test…

I first heard screaming down there in the coach seats;
My partner ran on down to check it out.
I followed, just to lend him some assistance
But came too late; he was down for the count.

Snakes were his biggest fear, he had once told me;
One’d bit his sister way back in the day.
And here he was, envenomed, scared, and bloody;
I wish he hadn’t had to die that way.

So it was up to me to be the hero;
A cobra struck; I tasered it to death.
The kid was safe; there were no snakes in first class.
I looked around, saw chaos; took a breath.

I sprinted through the cabin towards the flight crew
Avoiding corpses, watching out for snakes.
Looks of horror plastered on their faces;
Vacation, it turns out, was NOT a break.

In short, the snakes were snuck onboard in flowers.
I had no doubt; this HAD to be Kim’s plan.
He’d always based his actions on completeness;
He’d take the whole plane down to kill one man.

“The captain’s dead!” they screamed, in fear.
“And Grace was bitten too!
Oh please, please help us, Agent Flynn!
Our safety’s up to you.”

I gathered bags and luggage; made a barrier.
The snakes, though they would try, could not get through.
I called my desk man, good ol’ Agent Harris.
An expert had him tell me what to do.

But then the snakes broke through my makeshift barrier!
Some mambas, rattlers, taipans; blood ensued.
The food cart rumbled quickly down the aisle
With snakes aboard; a couple met their doom.

There were no snakes upstairs; the people went there.
A blow-up lifeboat blocked the snakes’ way in.
But then, the plane began a steep tilt downward;
Arch had been bitten, much to my chagrin.

We had to find a pilot who could land us.
Troy said he’d flown a thousand hours or more.
We took positions, braced ourselves, got ready;
I thought, “alright, snakes, let’s go; this is WAR.”

To rally passengers, I started yelling:
“I’ve HAD IT with these motherfucking snakes!”
I aimed and shot a hole right near the window;
The air rushed out, the plane began to shake.

But with the air, the snakes were sucked out also.
No more could bite or wound or kill a man.
And though his hand was shaky (he was nervous),
My main man Troy DID help us safely land.

We left the plane; doctors were there.
Some victims’ families sobbed.
The ones who lived thanked Agent Flynn.
I said, “it’s just my job.”

Now is this with Sammy J on the flight? Or am I taking his place? Because I don’t think I’m quite bad ass enough to fill his shoes–which, infact, are also probably much more bad ass than I.

Now, if you excuse me, I’m gonna go play some Wii.

SUBMISSION

I did not want to die on a plane.

There were snakes everywhere. I couldn’t believe it. I had been half dozing at the time and I thought for a moment that I was just having some horrible twisted nightmare. But the seat was solid underneath me, the air was thick with fear and somehow, there were snakes everywhere.

The luxury of a Hawaii vacation had to be balanced out by something shitty happening to me and apparently it was snakes. Motherfucking snakes. I wasn’t especially afraid of them individually but there had to be five hundred of the scaly bastards. They were all over the place, hanging from the ceiling, slithering between seats, popping out of barf bags. Women were shrieking and men were panicking. Nobody had any idea what to do. This wasn’t just my nightmare, it was everyone’s. All I could do was curl up in my seat and hope they passed me by. I watched with morbid curiosity and healthy fear as a snake crawled up from a woman’s dress and bit her in the face. I saw kids, barely out of diapers, being menaced by a cobra. People were trying to run or hide or even fight back with whatever implements of destruction they could find. But in a post 9/11 world there wasn’t a whole lot on a plane that you could use to kill anything, much less a poisonous, fast-moving serpent. We were fucked. We were all fucked. There was no place to go and nothing to do. The snakes had the run of the place and we had a run of extremely shitty luck. I thought for a moment about how I had almost booked an earlier flight but decided I could use the extra day in Hawaii to de-stress. Poisonous venom was not what I had in fucking mind.

This shit is ridiculous, I thought. How in the name of God did all these snakes get on here? Was this some zoo exhibit gone wrong? Some bizarre new form of terrorist attack? Some nightmare I just couldn’t wake up from? The screaming was getting louder and I was beginning to panic myself. What the fuck?!

A stern-looking black man emerged from first class. He had a look about him that spoke volumes about his character. It didn’t seem to bother him at all that there were snakes everywhere. His only concern was getting rid of them. Just seeing him made me feel a bit safer.

At that moment a large, colorful looking serpent popped up over the seat in front of me, hissing with deadly intent. I was going to get it in the eyeball, like that poor lady. But just as the snake lunged, a large dark hand grabbed it by the gizzard and threw it hard. It occurred to me that it would be hard to break the neck of a creature that was basically all neck but he sure tried.

“Stay calm,” he instructed. “Everything is going to be okay.”

I believed him.

SUBMISSION (498 words)

Having been demoted from first class, I was forced to “grit my teeth”, as the expression goes, and fly in coach. It was a step down, to say the least. In order to distract myself from the morbidly obese man sitting next to me (who was currently sleeping with his mouth open and his fingers encrusted with the remains of the pork rinds that he had been eating earlier), I took out my research papers and began to examine them. As the leading theological scholar specializing in the beginning chapters of Genesis, I was currently looking at the passages that were the foundations of original sin. Perhaps if I discovered that original sin did not exist, or some inconsistencies in the text proved that the story had been tampered with by other writers in the period between its creation and its modern incarnation, I would receive a nominal raise. Cheered by this thought, I set to work.

However, I was disturbed by a shout from my neighbor. I looked to my right and was immediately horrified. It seemed as if he had grown so large that his belly was about to explode, and that his hand, now a bloody stump, had already done so. A bloody circle formed at the bottom of his belly, and grew larger until eventually what was inside him burst out of his stomach and T-shirt: a snake. Perhaps it was the stench of the pork rinds that attracted the snake, or the shiny bag that enclosed them, but the snake had apparently chewed off the man’s hand, crawled through his arm and come out through his stomach. Needless to say, I was horrified, but it was nowhere near the terror I experienced when the snake turned to look at me with its two very shiny eyes. And then, along with what seemed like hundreds of other snakes, it attacked.

You know, I could remark at this point about this strange cosmic karma currently taking place: the unfortunate species punished from the Adam and Eve story, in the end, punishes its preeminent scholar. I could probably spout a philosophical world-view that could be surmised from this tale and bring some sort of resolution to this account of the last minutes of my life. But no, dear reader, I will not. I will, however, say this: after the darkness closed in on me, after the snakes breached the seat cover I had used as a defense for my face and got into my eyes, scratching my corneas, filling up my mouth, their bodies and fangs, venom getting into my nose, contaminating my insides as I clawed at the upright tray table in front of me, hoping to, somehow, get out of having my headstone read “killed due to sheer volume of snakes”, I felt no regrets. A life is a life, and whether you spend it on Biblical study or at the mercy of snakes on a plane, it is what it is.

So, like, that was the WORST flight ever. No, not the snakes…. I’m a total scorpio so that stuff doesn’t creep me out and working on Wall Street…. like, hey, you do what you gotta do, y’know? It wasn’t the shooting that blew out the side either, although my blow-dry was ruined and it cost like $85 bucks plus tip and the guy did a good job so I need to know who will be paying me back for THAT.
Two words: Manolo. motherfuckin. Blahnik.
Do you KNOW how much they are?! Do you KNOW what an ASSHOLE I looked like with one gorgeous pump on and the other fucked up beyond repair….. HELLO people! I was half-limping through most of my flight and some Douche wouldn’t even let me get the heel out of the guy’s head after so I could bring it to my awesome shoe guy who even fixed the peax-de-soir ballet flat that I spilled the red wine on…. now THAT was a tough day. I even told the Douche that he could calm down, the shoes could be fixed but he just KEPT YELLING at me! Blah, blah, “insensitive”, blah, blah, “heartless”… whatever I wasn’t listening too much. But really, was the guy gonna come back to life? And even if he would have it was MY HEEL…. I know my rights.
So here is why I’m writing: how much can I sue for? Everyone…. the Flynn guy who fucked up the blow-dry (hero, my ASS), the family of the dead guy who stole my heel because he didn’t move his ass fast enough and made me feel like a one-shorter-leg jackass for the rest of my trip, the DOUCHE who yelled at me (we can see if anyone knows what he said) and I guess the plane people (but tell them I will TOTALLY be willing to discuss a lifetime of auto-first-class upgrades instead). I don’t think the Pacific Air people did anything but they have a ton of dough and I can act all super-stressed and sad. Should I wear a neck doughnut thing?
Also, I put in a call to the Blahnik people. It was my FIRST call when I didn’t get my heel back! :) and they didn’t go for my “survived the snakes on my Blahniks” PR campaign idea which means I have to PAY for another pair. Where is the sesitivity to what I just went through? Can I sue them too?
Anyhoo… TOTALLY let me know, kay? I want big money here…. not because I need it, but cuz it’s about principals. And my shoes. Thanks Doll. Talk soon! Xoxo.

(I´m not a native speaker as i come from Austria, so please be considerate if there are any misspellings etc.)

SUBMISSION

I could´ve been the hero of the day.

This could have been the occasion to show the world that we´ve not just a bunch of funny weirdos but practise a respectable and not altogether useless profession.

Moreover, it would have had style.

But alas!, no snake charmer´s flute allowed on a plane due to the latest safety considerations. And the snake that sank its teeth unhurriedly into my neck wasn´t in the least impressed by my attempt to whistle a snake-calming tune, I noticed without much surprise before all went dark, which didn´t come as a surprise either.

Submission

I am in the crapper when a snake lands on my lap
i grab it by the throat and start to shake it
I throw it out the room and finish my crap
then i run out and find the snake and kick it
and then i run from the snake
i scream die mutha fuckas
trip fall and land my face in a cake
i kill snakes like i’m a trucka
then i call my man sammy jackson
he kicks some snake ass
he got rite into the action
and no snake did he not harrass
i told him he saved me
and that snake was gonna kill
he laughed at me
and told me to take a chill pill
That is how i survived
flight 121
now i am alive
and my story is done

*SUBMISSION*

As the plane jerked, a giant snake landed right in my 10 year old daughters lap. I quickly grabbed it by the head and threw it onto the nearest person who has been snoring the whole flight. Maybe that would wake him up.
I snatch up my two other kids and warn my wife. “WAKE UP! THERE’S MOTHER F***ING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHER F***ING PLANE!”
I see them dropping from the ceiling and rising up from the floor. I rush my family down the aisle as I look around us. The girl who wouldn’t shut up on her cell phone won’t be talking on it anymore. Not with that snake coming out of her mouth.
And the guy who bragged about having sex with Paris Hilton? Not anymore. That snake in his trousers really is a snake now.
Crap! I see ahead of us the stewardess that ran the snack cart . I knew she heard me tell my wife I thought she had a face for radio, not customer service, so she wasn’t about to let us through. She was screaming and beating on some snakes that had come up out of the sandwich pan. Her beehive hairdo falling over her eyes.
I grabbed the only thing I could find. A fake arm from a close passenger. He wouldn’t be needing it anymore, judging from the movement under his shirt that was fighting to get out.
I picked up my 3 year old as Cobra narrowly got her leg. I’d have to remember to start feeding her skim milk. The kids legs are starting to look like little hams, especially to these hungry reptiles.
I held the fake arm over my head and slapped the remaining snakes hanging from the luggage rack in front of us until we had finally reached the bathrooms. I opened one and stepped aside as a couple fell out of the room. Their mile high adventure had ended early. I kicked them out and looked around. One snake had started coming up through the toilet. I gave it a good flush, which took most of it down. The courtesy flush after that finished the job.
I pushed my family into the room and sat my oldest on the toilet lid, holding it down so no more could get in. It was then I heard the scream of another woman. She was trying to protect her baby from a king size python who had it’s eye on the baby as a pacifier.
I looked at my wife and gave her a kiss, maybe my last. “I’m going to help. Stay with the kids!”
“But…”
I looked at her again, fake arm in hand, “I know.”
She shut the door and I was off.
It was then that a policeman came from the back and rushed us all up near the cockpit.
After some tense moments, we left the plane safely. With my family by my side, I looked for the nearest ticket agent that had complaint forms.
I got my pen ready.

SUBMISSION

In…out…I am aware of my breath.

Tranquility surrounds me.

Nirvana is found only in the present moment.

And what is this that enters my awareness?

I am now one with the snake.

And I am left to ponder the koan:

What is the sound of one snake swallowing?

Do winners of previous contests have a chance of winning?

I don’t see why not.

Im in the UK so that kind of affects postage and DVD region but I want to enter anyway. And as it is I’ll be buying the DVD on the 26th when it comes out but what the hey:

SUBMISSION (400 words exactly and also the storyline probably doesn’t match the proper storyline and the grammer is probably all wrong too)

I slumped back in my seat, completely bored and sighed deeply. How much longer could this flight go on? Across the aisle some fat guy in a garishly orange shirt was playing on a handheld games console, although he was at least twenty years old. So engrossed was he in his game that he didn’t notice me staring at him. There was something really annoying me, eating away at my brain, like I’d seen him before on TV or something. Worst of all were the inexplicable urges I kept getting to drink orange soda or concoct a hair-brained scheme and send my smaller partner-in-crime-esque companion to gather seemingly unconnected items with no explanation as to what they were for. Damn. He was still asleep. I’ll see if they’ve got any orange soda.
Before I had time to call over the, rather attractive, stewardess (she was all over some guy, who I instantly despised because he was wasting valuable running time which could have been used for Samuel L. Jackson, in first class) there was a scream from the back of the cabin and all the lights went out.
Something slithered past my leg.
Damn. Again. The Doctor had told me that I’d got over my rare condition where when it goes dark I imagine that there are giant slugs around my feet.
Obviously not.
In the ensuing confusion and due to the unfortunate positioning of both the box of screws I had been carrying and my tuna sandwich, I… DROPPED THE SCREW… IN THE TUNA! (See http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKpiuTCPabk&mode=related&search= for a killer remix btw)
This of course was the final straw and so I went on a bloody rampage of death and killed loads of snakes which had suddenly and inexplicably appeared on the plane. Moments later the air conditioning went wild and there was a massive gust of wind down the middle of the plane. Since I was incredibly tired after killing all those snakes (what were they doing on the plane?) I found a chair and caught up on some sleep.
When I woke up I was pleasantly surprised to find that the plane had landed. After collecting my hand luggage from underneath the bloody corpse of the friend I had been flying with I dismounted and walked to the terminal building. The fat guy was outside shouting something about his mother and so I left as quickly as possible.

less than 500 words, wish me luck!

*SUBMISSION*
Eight down, a five letter word. The crossword puzzles question played with my mind, “a legless animal usually thought of as slimy or scary, although many species are nonpoisonous.”
The most common names rattled across my brain: worm, the legless lizard, an eel, but none of them with the required five letters.
“Oh well,” I said to myself, looking up from my paper to see if anything eventful was going on inside the jet. There wasn’t. The in-flight movie Anaconda played on the TV’s above each seat, but other than that, it was quiet. Then suddenly, as if a lousy attempt to break the ice, it started to rain . . . snakes. From every crevice in the airliner, from the air-vents to the toilets, the snakes were attacking. I unlocked my seatbelt and stood on my chair in horror, receiving nasty remarks from the people behind me about how they were still trying to watch the movie, the problem settling itself as a spitting cobra blinded them.
A struggle was going on in first class, and I could hear an angry black man yelling, but it was too late for me. The majority of this section of the plane was dead, bloated with the venom, the ones still alive were huddled together trying to watch the climax of Anaconda. Crazy thoughts were racing through my mind, like what a bizarre scenario this was, and that maybe it’ll be made into a movie some day. A searing pain shot through my foot, making me lose my balance and hit the floor. I saw dozens of snakes advancing on my body, their cold eyes ripping through my mind. Then suddenly, like a sign from god, I saw the crossword puzzle lying in front of me, and I suddenly realized something great . . . snakes have no legs, their scary, and many are nonpoisonous. So I reached for my pen and scribbled the five letter word into the blank. I finally looked up, my eyes wet with tears, to see a black man with an in control attitude coming to help me. At that point, I knew I was saved, I was going to be all right. Until a snakes fang pierced my throat.

I am from Ireland, just to let you know, I will hold buying the DVD until you announce the winners of this competition. Good Luck to everyone involved! - Adrian

SUBMISSION

I was having a bad day. For starters, I wake and find I have to travel home as my grandpa had just died. To make matters worse, my car brakes down and I had to walk 20 miles to the airport in the rain as the bus driver were on strike and to top it all off, my girlfriend rings me to tell that we’re finished! As I try to unwind on my seat of Pacific Flight 121, drinking some strong whiskey, I think to myself ‘ Well, at least it can’t get any worse now. ‘

Suddenly, the air compartments open up as we fly into trouble and out pop literally hundreds of snakes along with the breathing apparatus! I am startled by this site as I see people all around get bitten in various places by the snakes. I was fuming before but now I was going to lose it. ‘ WHAT THE FUCK!!?? ‘ I shouted ‘ Someone really doesn’t like me right now, I was having a bad day already, now some bastard went off and put MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON MY MOTHERFUCKING PLANE! ARGH!!! ‘

A snakes tried to bite me but I jumped out of the way ‘ You tried to bite, motherfucker? Well, fuck that, I’m biting back! ‘ as I went and but a huge chunk out of the snake ( it tasted like chicken ) . The other passengers, even Samuel L Jackson, were startled by my reaction. ‘ Woah, I think you need to calm down, buddy. ‘ Samuel L Jackson tells me. I look at him and shout ‘ THERES MOTHERING SNAKES EVERYWHERE AND YOU EXPECT ME TO CLAM DOWN!!!??? ‘ As I rip another snake that tried to bite me to shreds with my own bare hands.

As the flight proceeds, I continue to chop, dice, and generally eat chunks of snakes as Samuel L Jackson and the rest of the surviving passengers figure out a way to get rid of them. As we near landing, I learn that the pilot is dead and that the cockpit is snake infected. Samuel L Jackson snaps himself and shouts ‘ ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I HAVE HAD WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE! ‘ ‘ Finally! ‘ I cheer ‘ They’ve being bugging me since they got on! ‘ Samuel blows open the windows as we sit held onto a seat and we descend and land.

It wasn’t over yet, as we get off, a snake bites me. I roar ‘ I SURVIVED TO LANDING AND THEN A MOTHERFUCKING SNAKE BITES ME!!! AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! ‘ so loud that it pisses off Samuel L Jackson, who then shoots me down to shut me up. I survive and recover only to end getting charged with extreme air – rage! So, in the end, yes, I had a really bad day indeed!

When I boarded Pacific Air Flight 121, I was nervous. I had always hated flying, but, I figured “Hey, what’s the worst that could happen?” I knew that I was in no immidiate danger, given the fact that since 9/11, planes and airports have defenetly “beefed up” on their security. I boarded and set my things in the luggage space above me. I sat down, and relaxed. It felt good to sit down, what with the trmendousily busy lines. I saw that rapper guy from MTV (3 Gees or something) board, and I thought “Uh-oh…here comes trouble.” Takeoff could not have come any sooner. At least, until I heard the slightest sound of a slither. Now, I am not an animal expert, or a plane expert, but I certainly knew that planes don’t make slithery “Ssss” noises unless something’s wrong. I fell asleep, reminding myself that it was just my imagination.

I woke up, with this huge red bump on my arm, to the sounds of some black FBI agent, cursing the heavens, shouting how he was “Tired of the motherf***in’ snakes on the motherf***in’ plane”. When I realized I had been bitten, I started cursing the heavens with him. I thought I’d never make it alive. As I looked around and saw the remains of people, kids, dogs, even my own f***in’ wife, I began to lose all hope. Until some guy named Troy steped in. The FBI dude shot a window out, and by then we were all scared. I struggled to hold on, but regained my balance and held on like I was about to fly out of a plane filled with venemous snakes. I hit my head hard on a seat.

The next thing I remember, we landed. I was safe…until I unpacked my luggage, and that viper popped out of nowhere and bit me in the face…that f***in’ hurt.

SUBMISSION: (whoops!)

When I boarded Pacific Air Flight 121, I was nervous. I had always hated flying, but, I figured “Hey, what’s the worst that could happen?” I knew that I was in no immidiate danger, given the fact that since 9/11, planes and airports have defenetly “beefed up” on their security. I boarded and set my things in the luggage space above me. I sat down, and relaxed. It felt good to sit down, what with the trmendousily busy lines. I saw that rapper guy from MTV (3 Gees or something) board, and I thought “Uh-oh…here comes trouble.” Takeoff could not have come any sooner. At least, until I heard the slightest sound of a slither. Now, I am not an animal expert, or a plane expert, but I certainly knew that planes don’t make slithery “Ssss” noises unless something’s wrong. I fell asleep, reminding myself that it was just my imagination.

I woke up, with this huge red bump on my arm, to the sounds of some black FBI agent, cursing the heavens, shouting how he was “Tired of the motherf***in’ snakes on the motherf***in’ plane”. When I realized I had been bitten, I started cursing the heavens with him. I thought I’d never make it alive. As I looked around and saw the remains of people, kids, dogs, even my own f***in’ wife, I began to lose all hope. Until some guy named Troy steped in. The FBI dude shot a window out, and by then we were all scared. I struggled to hold on, but regained my balance and held on like I was about to fly out of a plane filled with venemous snakes. I hit my head hard on a seat.

The next thing I remember, we landed. I was safe…until I unpacked my luggage, and that viper popped out of nowhere and bit me in the face…that f***in’ hurt.

SUBMISSION: [Word Count 481]

After the hassle of having to deal with airport security, of which I’m not too fond, I was more than ready to just sit down and sleep as I made my way back to Los Angeles. It was a bit more refreshing to see those in business class get bumped down to coach. After all of the useless safety demonstrations and takeoff, I took the customary Pacific flight nap. My dreams were filled with the images from my vacation, particularly the one of a beautiful woman placing a lei around my neck and the scent of a poignant fragrance that marked it.

This scene would soon be disrupted by the chaos that ensued on that flight. The venomous snakes made their way through the cabin, leaving me with few options. The first serpent came from the oxygen bag. Grabbing the stale roll of bread as part of the in-flight meal, I shoved the roll into its mouth and jumped over the woman next to me that had already passed. Snakes slithered all across the floor, making the seats the only way to get passed. Crawling over each one, I made my way near the front of the coach section. As I reached the fourth row, a Diamondback opened its jaw directly in front of my face. It was soon deflected away by a silver tray being swung by a large man in an orange polo. I was thankful, but just didn’t have time to exchange sincerities. I still had to make my way through.

Still trying to get up to the business class, it seemed there I would find my refuge. A bite took hold of the back of my leg, my arm reaching down to pull the damned thing off. Instead of scales, it was a small clump of fur belonging to a young woman’s Chihuahua. I pulled it off and continued through.

At last, I had made it to the destination. A man identifying himself as an FBI agent stood guard with a tazer, etched with the letters “B.A.M.F.” This man would surely save me, unlike the other agent whose tazer merely read “tazer.” At this moment, a moment I felt close to God, I was quickly reminded of the hell I was in. A King Cobra lunged towards my jugular, as many snakes had done to others onboard. I fell back, looking at the man I thought damn near to be God. The agent, now identified as Flynn, took hold of the snake and whipped it against the floor where it was then tazered. He helped me back up to my feet, then let me pass to the back. I wasn’t going to argue with him or he would’ve killed my faster than the snakes. The answer was clear to what I should do on this flight if I wanted to surive: do whatever Agent Flynn told me.

SUBMISSION: (Word count: 484)

I don’t so much as blink, and they’re all over me like Mom on a bag of weed. A dozen venomous pythons attacking me from all sides. At least I assume they’re pythons, but I really don’t know anything about snakes. I also assume there are a dozen of them, but I don’t really know how to count. I start to wonder if maybe dropping out of school so early wasn’t such a good idea after all, when the biggest python out of the whole bunch of ‘em comes charging right at my face. I stare into those fangs, dripping with poison, like big, sharp, glistening death mirrors. I stare for about a half a second before the thing lunges into my head and rips out my left eyeball.

“Dammit!” I scream. “Not Lucky!”

This became a personal matter the second that python snatched Lucky out of my head, and I vow revenge right then and there. In the meantime, I remember what my Daddy said I should do if I was ever minus an eyeball thanks to some God damn snake. He said to stay calm and count to twelve and try not to let it get to me.

I scream and thrash wildly in my seat. My hands are drawn like a magnet to the empty socket where once Lucky sat and watched the world for me. I wonder if maybe I’ll start to feel a phantom eyeball, like some war veterans feel phantom arms or legs. Then the phrase ‘phantom eyeball’ just makes me remember the Phantom Menace. And the Phantom Menace sucked! So now I’m angry! And that’s when I feel Mr. Python climbing around between my legs, preparing for his next strike. But I’m not gonna let him strike. I’m gonna make like the Empire and strike back . . . first. A preemptive strike. Back. To the future.

I pick up my plastic spork, and with the best aim I can manage having only one eyeball and everything, I scream, “This is for Jar Jar Binks you scaly bastard!” And I jam that spork fork-end first into his nasty little snake brains, deep as I can.

“Jesus Christ!” the snake screams. “What the hell did you do that for?” And this seems peculiar to me, because snakes ain’t s’posed to talk, ‘cept maybe the snake in the Bible, what tempted Eve with the apple of sin and all. So I think, maybe I shoulda hit twice as hard if it’s some kinda sneaky Bible snake, but out of the corner of my remaining eye I can see that it’s just Ted. Turns out he was feeling around for some napkins to stop his bleeding, and I accidentally stabbed his hand with some plastic cutlery. But that’s life, and Ted should’ve been looking where he was reaching.

That’s when the python gets my other eye.

“Dammit!” I scream. “Not Jimbo!”

Since everyone else submitted an entry with serious literary merit or rap skills, I decided to take a different angle. Here, I present “Snakes on a Borat.”

SUBMISSION (485 words)

Jagshemash. My name Borat. I reporter from Kazakhstan travel from Hawaii to U.S. and A. to make sequel to documentary film. I ride on plane, with big chair and hot women who serve drinks. Is nice!!

I see two people go to bathroom make sexy time. I get up to watch when suddenly loud noise and plane shakes. Many snake come out of plastic mask that fall from ceiling, are crawling everywhere. Big man with chocolate face come running down aisle with stun gun. He obviously have very big khram, make lots of liquid explosion in women’s vagine. He shoot snakes. I ask him, “Why snakes on plane in most advanced country of America?” He say, “Shut the fuck up and get your ass to the front of the plane.” So I go.

Soon we in front of plane with wall of luggage block snakes. I begin ask people question about snakes on plane. Are there many snake on plane in America? In Kazahkstan we no have this problem, because we no have plane. Instead, we have problem of mouse on cart. People very upset that I ask this question, tell me to shut up. I say to flight attendant, “You be quiet pussycat” but she keep tell me to be quiet. She and other woman flight attendant very hot. Old one not so much. My producer Azamat tell me to go interview man with chocolate face so I go ask him question. He name Neville Flynn, and he work for F.B. and I. He cannot tell me why he on plane otherwise he have to kill me. He also read Bible lot, say Ezekiel 25:17 his favorite verse. He hate snake, say “They deserve to die and I hope they burn in hell.” Eventually snake come through barrier, bite Azamat, he die. Very sad because now no one I can have naked wrestling match with. We go upstair to get away, but not before giant snake come through ceiling kill businessman with stick up his anus.

Finally we close to land, but pilots both dead. So chocolate face make plan, he and me fly plane together. He first say he can fly alone because he “Bad Ass Motherfucker”, but I insist I help. I never fly plane before but I use to professional shoot bird in village of Kuczek before become reporter. Chocolate face say “Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!” then shoot open window and most snake go flying out. Only few left, which Flynn kill with purple lightsaber. I ask if purple color mean he homosexual. He tell me to go fuck off. Very dirty mouth.

We land plane, but not without problem. Plane bounce on runway and almost crash into other plane from assholes Uzbekistan. However, I survive and get medal from U.S. and A. and glorious nation of Kazakhstan. Is nice!

Ok, Ivan got in just under the wire. No further submission will be looked at. Sorry. I’ll have winners by Monday (hopefully).

a quick disclaimer for my entry,
i was really tired when i wrote
so thats y parts make little - no sense

I just read %75 of these stories and found them all too similar.
I liked the poetry ones but feel that may have been too easy of a way out of story telling not that poetry is easy. There was a haiku type entry by Lee that was more original due to it’s no need for rhyme. Matt Barr’s entry started out the way most did but I think it ended on an original and real human quality like a soldier of wars regrets. His apology to a family was sweet. I also liked his use of website text as a means to “repress”. I also liked pd’s. After reading so many words it was a nice realistic, snakes bite sinners, break. There’s my review. take it or leave it.