As I mentioned previously, I sent a copy of the novelization of Snakes on a Plane off to crazymonk to review when he wasn’t busy working on the Nevada marijuana initiative. Well, he’s finished the book and wrote up his review (and he even made his own graphics… bonus).
Here’s the first full length review of the Snakes on a Plane novelization by Christa Faust (it’s long, so be sure to read past the break):
Review: Snakes on a Plane novelization by Christa Faust
Short Review
Both singular and plural versions were counted for “snakes” and “plane.” For “motherfucking,” one use of “motherfucker” was counted. The book is 405 pages in length, so there is on average almost one use of the word “snake” per page.
Read on for the full length “Long Review”:
Long Review
I’d warn you to beware of the spoilers in this review, but what can you say about a book whose very title sums up the entirety of its contents. It would be like calling the sixth book in the Harry Potter series Snape Kills Dumbledore. Trust me, there’s not much to spoil here.
But this is a review, so the question I’m supposed to tackle here is this: is Christa Faust’s novelization worth reading? The answer? Well, if you’re a snakesonaplaniac, yeah, but only for a few more weeks. It’s clear that Faust’s book wasn’t written with the Internet sensation in mind (especially since, as she said in her interview, she completed it before the buzz took off), so while the book succeeded in making me hunger to see it on the big screen, I doubt anyone would get much joy from it after the fact. Still, Faust has a knack for the pulp fiction, so if that’s your bag, dig in.
And now, I present to you the guide to Snakes on a Plane, the novelization:
- pages 1-19: The set-up is quite mundane. Surfer boy Sean stumbles on Triad mobster killing someone with a baseball bat. Somehow, they find his house the next morning and try to kill him. Boring exposition. I hope the movie cuts quickly to the chase.
- p.20: “Well over six feet tall, black and bald with a kind of infinite calm in his dark eyes…” Now we’re talking. SLJ saves Sean — who knows how he found him.
- p.27: “planning”! So close. But still neither “snake,” nor “plane,” nor “motherfucking” has been used.
- p.34: First use of the word “plane.”
- p.61: First use of the word “snakes.” “Fuckin’” too, but not the maternal kind. The bad guys pretty much drive the crate of snakes onto the tarmac and load it onto the plane, pretending that they’re delivering orchids. I hope this book isn’t to the next terrorist attack as Tom Clancy’s Debt of Honor was to 9/11.
- p.75 The planner of the snakes on a plane plan is told: “[T]here are those who feel that your chosen method for handling this problem is … uncertain.”
- p.88 “Motherfucking!” But modifying neither snakes nor planes.
- p.108 “reefer” is misspelled as “refer.” I’m getting the sense that they didn’t show this book to an editor.
- p.121 The Yo Mama jokes Faust referred to in her interview. Mothers and fucking are mentioned, but no “motherfucking.”
- p.131 The Mile High Club and the first snake attack.
- p.179 First italicized use of the word “snake.” The second and third italicized uses follow on pages 209 and 226.
- p.180 “Live snakes on the plane.” The first sentence using both words.
- p.185 Woohoo! “snakes on a plane…”
- Lots of people are being bitten, lots of people dying.
- p.359 The line. Yes, SLJ’s special line.
- End of the book: Sean, SLJ, and some passengers are safe, but the last eight pages of the book are a waste: no snakes.
Let’s sum things up. Lots of people are killed in a variety of ways, and likewise for the snakes. I’m particularly looking forward to when SLJ shoots a cobra with a spear gun. I’m not exactly sure how many people are killed in total, but I managed to keep track of all “onscreen” (read: explicitly described) non-reptilian deaths:
You will cry.
Appendix A: Top 13 Quotes, in order of appearance
- “They wouldn’t let poisonous snakes on a plane.” (185)
- “The snake didn’t argue, it just bit him.” (186)
- “A plane full of venomous snakes.” (193)
- “How could snakes have gotten onto the plane?” (194)
- “Snakes.” (226)
- “You have an unknown number of snakes loose on a plane.” (244)
- “Snakes on crack.” (250)
- “Why exactly… are there snakes on this plane?” (253)
- “Yo, we got us some dead snakes.” (255)
- “Airborne and terrified snakes flew through the air like deadly party streamers on New Years Eve in Hell, wrapping around necks and limbs and biting again and again.” (266)
- “Snake ate my radio.” (342)
- “I’ve had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane.” (359)
- “I hate those snakes!” (377)
Appendix B: All non-Latinate snake species mentioned, although not necessarily by virtue of being on the plane
- Rattlesnake: (diamondback, black-banded timber, canebrake, Pacific rattler)
- Boa Constrictor
- Russell’s Viper
- Horned Viper
- Mozambique Spitting Cobra
- Banded Krait
- Albino Corn Snake
- Cobra (monocellate)
- Blackhead Bushmaster
- Racer
- Taipan (inland)
- Copperhead
- Ceylonese Palm Viper
- Boomslang
- Mamba (black, green)
- Burmese Python
- Death Adder
- Madagascar Leaf Nosed Snake
- Green Tree Boa
- Puff Adder
- Reticulated Python
- Anaconda
- Fer-de-lance
- Terciopelo
- Rhino Viper
- Tiger Snake
- Gopher Snake
- King Cobra
I read the book as well, I couldn’t resist. I actually bought it in a Dallas airport of all places. I thought it was fantastic.